he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Never joke about your clitoris.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
