my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
