I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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