this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
