We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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