somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Betty ford says i'm here all night
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?