Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow