My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line