A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.