I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends