Just fell off a train. Bad.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
