Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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