Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
