I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
