guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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