OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
