ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
