I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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