Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
