Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
