I'm pants shitting drunk right now
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
