i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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