My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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