I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
