i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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