Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
