Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
