i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
