I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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