When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
