My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
