I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
