I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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