the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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