Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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