omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
