I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
