you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
