You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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