Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
