the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
