he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
