it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
