Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
