i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
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I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
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Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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