I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
