Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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