Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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