I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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