Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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