you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
