she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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