god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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