Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
