I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
