I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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