How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
