well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
