Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
